you're a mystery yourself

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

7:47 AM

i really don't like to feel this way.

thank you

Fairytales..

2:42 AM

I've thought about what I wanna write for this post about half an hour ago. Guess what? I, totally forgot everything I needed to say. oh wells. this is a clear sign of lack of sleep or being overly troubled.

I'm not feeling at my very best these days. perhaps, its due to the pressure from NIE and having to submit everything soon. In addition, i'm trying hard to fit back into the school culture and the workload. I'm scared. and let me tell u, coping with anxiety is something that NIE did not teach me. I am anxious, scared, nervous, (and all the other vocabs link to that line).

Recently, I've asked myself, what is it that I live for? Is it for my family? Is it for myself? Is it to find a soulmate and have a family? its a tough question. And for all those people who actually know me, you will know that for me to find an answer for myself is almost impossible. I've always wanted a family that communicates and love each other. Not the kind you watch on TV where everyone is cuddly but rather, each and everyone in the family do love each other. I'm not talking about material love here. I am talking about respect for each other, accepting each other as a member of the family.

Now, I know its early, but i'm thinking of the kind of family I might have in the future. Monkey see, Monkey do. Does that mean that if I live in a family unit that don't respect each other and I know its wrong, I will be just like that with my own family in the future even though I try my best to change it? Every parent want to have a perfect child. They also want to have a perfect life. I learnt from Mark yesterday that parents need to make sacrifices to bring the best of the child. Does that mean, not spending time with each other and only focus on the child? What happens to the family unit then when the child is all grown up? The child did not choose to be born. WE as adults chose it. its a scary thought isn't it?

This week at NIE, there are lots of frictions between me and the group. I realised thatI should not stick with just one group of people. My knowledge will be very very limited. But oh well, its already the 2nd last week till i'm back to TS for practicum. As for my current group, I guess, I am too assertive when it comes to work. But, let me tell you this...I am not afraid to ask what I do not know and I am willing to tell you and share what I already know.

Working with students with disabilities and their family made me more aware of the smallest group of people in Singapore. not many people want to work with them and many (sad to say) do not know that people with ID lives among our communities. well, is this a good thing or a bad thing? I guess, it had make me a more sensitive and detailed person. I think a lot more now, I relate more to things and I feel for the other more. Good thing? Not quite. I'm in pain for knowing or being able to predict the outcome and I feel HELPLESS. I can do NOTHING but only turn to God for help.

After my Degree program at JCU, I was happy to know that I can do a degree program and that I am not stupid! I passed and I am working in a SPED school now. sometimes I blame myself for taking the route less taken. It is painful. Others will say that it is a good thing but seriously? The recognition you get from the norm... lets just say, close to none. It was a tough time for me ever since Secondary school and I got THIS FAR.

SO..........................

To all the mainstream school teachers out there who is reading this, I have got ONE thing to tell you. Treat students with dignity and respect. They are humans with emotions, just like you. Please, for the sake of world peace, do not ignore a student's cry. Yes... it is easier to help a child score an A1 when they are already getting an A2. but... there are A HUGE LOAD of students out there who needs you to hear them out. to seat with them. Please DO NOT ignore their cries. Teaching is not just about getting your name up there on the list, getting a good grade for yourself or getting a good pay increment. Think about it.

I am thankful for the opportunity that TS gave to me and sent me to NIE for training. NIE taught me many things but, how many of these knowledge can I use when I am back in school? Lets just say, close to 50%. the other 50% is not applicable to me for now. What is interesting is that I am still excited to go back to school to put everything I've learnt to practice...

Do you see my confusion and how I feel from the above paragraphs? I wanna lead a happy normal life where everything is nice. I seek perfection but I know that perfection is impossible. All good things have to come to an end. And I am telling you... I am scared that things will end. But I know, it is not within my control no matter how much I try to prevent it from happening. So.... do you still think I am strong?

Fairytales..

8:17 AM

18 weeks more to go!!

okay... promise was this.
NOT TO CRY till you are home. I'm sorry. it seems a little difficult now.

As the saying goes.... it will come to a point in time where all pretty things will stop, all sad things will stop and all things will come to an end. I count down, all the time to something- to the day you return home, to the day I graduate from NIE, till the day I go back to TS to teach. i pray and I hope, for the best every single time. I guess, I do not have much confidence in my abilities, thats why, i have to hope and pray.

I'm sorry.. I cried. I miss you way too much and I do not have the confidence in myself to keep to that promise. Its difficult to try to block the distance out of my head. I lost count of the number of weeks since I was with you.. therefore... I need to let it out. I need to do small things to keep you close to me. I need a little of you near me. Sorry I don't make any sense right now.

You seem far away from me. More so now than before. I don't know why. I'm glad you like your little christmas present. =) I wish I can fast forward just a tiny bit.. to the day you are home.. and then i'll look forward to me going over in June.

I do not know if you feel the same way as I do. I feel helpless, I feel stupid, I feel ignored. I can't do anything about it and this sucks a lot. I feel so stupid to be crying while typing this post. I know I promised and all. I feel that no one understands what I'm going through. They think we will not make it cause of the distance. They are not listening to me. I wanna talk to you the entire day because I feel that I am not giving you enough.

I know I'm a little needy. I know I depend on you a lot. right now... I wish u will poof right infront of me and stay till its time for you to wake up and carry on your day. I'm sorry to emo right now.

I have nothing else to say..

Fairytales..

7:27 AM

20 weeks!

okay.. I kinda made this little promise thingy with myself that I will not cry (cuz i'm sad and missing you oh-so-much) for the next 20 weeks. Its possible right? HAHA! 140 days!!!

I'm kinda sure now that its 20 weeks.START THE COUNT DOWN! =D

mmm... i've been doing absolutely nothing for the past 2 weeks. I miss going to NIE for some reason. I still feel like a sloth most of the time... roar* I will start the readings tomorrow!!!! oh no!!! that reminds me.. results are gonna be out soon! VERY VERY SOON!!!!

should i go for a run tomorrow?i feel fat and sloth like.. *bloop*

Fairytales..

6:34 AM

Now, I've something to count down to... =D

Its currently 24 weeks till I see you!!! =S
Please come back soon. I really want you to come home. (tho I highly doubt that will ever happen)

Many things in life, we take for granted. And when we lose it, we fear, we cry, we panic, we don't function normally. Hence, I've decided to take the first step to make it all right.. to only know that I did it all wrongly. A fool proof plan was to work out just right and just as I imagined. it did not. only bringing me disappointment and I, seriously, did not feel so horrible in my life before, that I shake with fear, turned cold, and just cried in one corner.

I can't help but to think, is this all we can do? to see things go the way that it is going? Its like, if you were to see a rabbit on a fast rapid, will you save it or will you just let it go? After talking to people who cared.. they said, just let it go and make do with it. Is that how society has led us to think and be? What kind of culture are we embracing now? I'm confused. I really am confused.

Despite trying and trying, I fail, again and again. To the point where I don't know how to stand up and just remain crippled at the side. Thank God for some passerbys and people who truly care, they helped me stand up. Then again, I'm weak and if they were to let me go, I will crumble and fall and maybe even just die.

The moral of the story is this.. To me, i feel that no one in this world should and need to walk alone. There are people out there who are willing to help and are wanting to help. No one should ever walk alone.

Love someone today. And feel the love.
Love passionately. And feel the passion.
Love others like how you want it to be. And you will feel how you wanted to feel.
Love someone today. And feel the love.

Fairytales..

6:25 AM

Dear you,

There is so much feelings to tell you and I don't know where to start. I'll find a place to start anyway. =)

I miss you till I wanna die.. yes yes.. u will say I won't die. but hey.. seriously. not seeing u online for 2 weeks now really is a test. How are you feeling dear? are you feeling the same as I do?

There are many things that I wanna thank for keeping me sane... and I should give them some credit.
Thank you pillow... for cleaning my tears away. Thank you Tidbit... for being such an awesome substitute. It is not easy being a substitute. Thank you Lumpy... for being a great friend to Tidbit. Without you, I'm sure he will leave me. Thank you workload... for keeping me occupied and my mind off the long distance.

Lastly, and most importantly, thank you you. Thank you for being just there when i need you. Thank you for taking all my nonsense. Thank you for letting me call you all the time n be so demanding. Thank you for being my endless source of strength when I'm feeling down. Thank you for being ever so annoying, just to make me laugh. and THANK YOU for just being you.

I don't know how to express my feelings right now. The mixture of love and hate is just pure annoying and evil to my mind. I've just got one last thing to say to sum it all up.

I love you. I really really do.

Fairytales..

10:46 PM

WEEK 9 of school!!! WWEK 20 away!!

okay.. let me rant! its sickening!! so many assignments to do yet so freaking little time.. then again, i'm blogging. so what the heck! -.- anyways, just a little update about what is happening around. (not that anyone actually still reads my blog eh?) so....

1st update:
not bring to web every single night like a week ago is driving me insane. then again, i think this is a good plan. at least you can concentrate and study for ur exam while I, try to keep myself sane and complete my assignments. i miss you oh so much btw... and i hate this stupid distance apart! come back soon......

2nd update:
NIE is not giving us update!!! i wanna go on a holiday! i wanna book my tickets online, pack and go! sigh... i need NIE to tell me WHAT IS THEIR PLAN! sheesh! ohoh... some lessons are already over! (yeahness) can't wait for the rest to be done as well. I should really finish my essay. still stuck with NED 101. seriously.. this essay is so much harder than the essays I did in uni!!! wth!

3rd update:
i kinda miss working in TS. i want this diploma thingy to be over. at least in TS, i feel like i'm doing something. in NIE, i feel fat and round..stupid lecture style kinda teaching... sit all day long. *sigh* i feel like a rollly *whhheeee*

4th and last update:
there are.. *count.. 1..2...3..4...5..* I think there are 5 more assignments.. i'm looking for ppl to help me proof read my work! do a good deed if u feel that u haven been nice! =D *grins*

back to NED 101! ohoh.. did i tell u.. it won me!!!! never again will i do NED 101 AND NED 102! (i thot these mods will be the easier ones since its psych! i'm so wrong about it! goshhh)

Fairytales..