you're a mystery yourself

Friday, February 11, 2011

2:42 AM

I've thought about what I wanna write for this post about half an hour ago. Guess what? I, totally forgot everything I needed to say. oh wells. this is a clear sign of lack of sleep or being overly troubled.

I'm not feeling at my very best these days. perhaps, its due to the pressure from NIE and having to submit everything soon. In addition, i'm trying hard to fit back into the school culture and the workload. I'm scared. and let me tell u, coping with anxiety is something that NIE did not teach me. I am anxious, scared, nervous, (and all the other vocabs link to that line).

Recently, I've asked myself, what is it that I live for? Is it for my family? Is it for myself? Is it to find a soulmate and have a family? its a tough question. And for all those people who actually know me, you will know that for me to find an answer for myself is almost impossible. I've always wanted a family that communicates and love each other. Not the kind you watch on TV where everyone is cuddly but rather, each and everyone in the family do love each other. I'm not talking about material love here. I am talking about respect for each other, accepting each other as a member of the family.

Now, I know its early, but i'm thinking of the kind of family I might have in the future. Monkey see, Monkey do. Does that mean that if I live in a family unit that don't respect each other and I know its wrong, I will be just like that with my own family in the future even though I try my best to change it? Every parent want to have a perfect child. They also want to have a perfect life. I learnt from Mark yesterday that parents need to make sacrifices to bring the best of the child. Does that mean, not spending time with each other and only focus on the child? What happens to the family unit then when the child is all grown up? The child did not choose to be born. WE as adults chose it. its a scary thought isn't it?

This week at NIE, there are lots of frictions between me and the group. I realised thatI should not stick with just one group of people. My knowledge will be very very limited. But oh well, its already the 2nd last week till i'm back to TS for practicum. As for my current group, I guess, I am too assertive when it comes to work. But, let me tell you this...I am not afraid to ask what I do not know and I am willing to tell you and share what I already know.

Working with students with disabilities and their family made me more aware of the smallest group of people in Singapore. not many people want to work with them and many (sad to say) do not know that people with ID lives among our communities. well, is this a good thing or a bad thing? I guess, it had make me a more sensitive and detailed person. I think a lot more now, I relate more to things and I feel for the other more. Good thing? Not quite. I'm in pain for knowing or being able to predict the outcome and I feel HELPLESS. I can do NOTHING but only turn to God for help.

After my Degree program at JCU, I was happy to know that I can do a degree program and that I am not stupid! I passed and I am working in a SPED school now. sometimes I blame myself for taking the route less taken. It is painful. Others will say that it is a good thing but seriously? The recognition you get from the norm... lets just say, close to none. It was a tough time for me ever since Secondary school and I got THIS FAR.

SO..........................

To all the mainstream school teachers out there who is reading this, I have got ONE thing to tell you. Treat students with dignity and respect. They are humans with emotions, just like you. Please, for the sake of world peace, do not ignore a student's cry. Yes... it is easier to help a child score an A1 when they are already getting an A2. but... there are A HUGE LOAD of students out there who needs you to hear them out. to seat with them. Please DO NOT ignore their cries. Teaching is not just about getting your name up there on the list, getting a good grade for yourself or getting a good pay increment. Think about it.

I am thankful for the opportunity that TS gave to me and sent me to NIE for training. NIE taught me many things but, how many of these knowledge can I use when I am back in school? Lets just say, close to 50%. the other 50% is not applicable to me for now. What is interesting is that I am still excited to go back to school to put everything I've learnt to practice...

Do you see my confusion and how I feel from the above paragraphs? I wanna lead a happy normal life where everything is nice. I seek perfection but I know that perfection is impossible. All good things have to come to an end. And I am telling you... I am scared that things will end. But I know, it is not within my control no matter how much I try to prevent it from happening. So.... do you still think I am strong?

Fairytales..