you're a mystery yourself

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

11:55 PM

i've promised myself not to blog anymore after yesterday cuz its exam period. however, i just can't resist it whenever i look at my comp and then look at the work i have to complete. once again, i'm depressed. thinking why the heck i have to rush, sprint, chase for the piece of paper! and at the same time, depriving myself of sleep, social life and everything in between. i have no life. what i really need now is sleep and off course to study for tmr's paper- stats. why oh why have i got to do this to myself? tell me! btw.. starbucks is my current and only friend.

anywayz, i found the joy in studying. believe it or not. psychomatrics was okay i think. hopefully i pass. but tmr's stats seems to be less panicking as compared to how i was feeling a day ago. the feeling of fear from the day b4 exam till the time i handed up my paper. the constant "Dear Lord..." and the "hail Mary..." i know.. thats my strength to keep me up and going till now. you have no idea how stress i m. so.. 4 papers, 1 down, 3 to go. its gonna be fast! i can't believe this still. soon its friday and i haven prepare for saturday's lesson yet.

recently, i met people that i wish and prayed that i will never have to meet them again. its tough. in dempsey, in GWC and every other places. well.. i've got nothing to say. just that its tough. i m hanging on.. so.. to that special someone. please hang in there too!

so.. the day went pass.. speaking of which, remember the times where we just not know abt anything else but just the fact that the world is a beautiful place? ppl now think and feel that the world is completed and free from evil and everything else when they found their true love. no.. thats not the case for me. now.. is it cuz i'm still single? well.. i don't know. what i know is that i have no life. work n study. thats all i do. shit. this is bad.

remember the times when we were younger and everything is just so nice? o one backstabs the other. secrets are always kept save? well.. as u get older, secrets are meant to be for oneself. not to be shared even with ur parents. as we grow older, we learn. the wonders of human's words and capabilities of being the smartest of everything. so.. what did u say again? i'll keep it as a secret. its hard to know who is the one that u can trust nowadays. its funny how things works.

secrets are to be kept. but some love to share it with friends whom they think will keep the secrets for them. now would u keep my secret??

Fairytales..

11:35 AM

Chermaine is tired.. Chermaine is sad.. Chermaine needs a blue sky holiday!

omg.. its tuesday!!!!!!!! start of 1st paper tomorrow!! how stupidly fast! grr!!! PSYCHOMATRICX! darn it! i duno if what i studied is enough to even get me a pass man! i've got more confidence in STATS compared to psychomatricx. how silly! -.- anywayz... these days are fun! =D

ps. photos will be up once i finish my exam.. so check the post back again n again.

ohoh... n the netball team ran 4.4km on the last training. from GWC to Dempsey. i know. i'm silly to make them run so far! but it was really really really fun! tho stepping into dempsey was not at all fun. rather, it was pretty intimidating. sigh. anywayz... so we clocked 28mins 30secs. okay.. lousy timing.. i promise the team will run faster for the nx training!!! =D

CNY around the corner.. =) so... went to chinatown the other day with the family. wow! its interesting man!! =D will be going again! was fun! u guys, if u haven been there yet during CNY period.. please please please go!! =)

so. chermaine will be going to continue with psychomatricx.. =( well.. its the 1st paper tmr at 2pm. its gonna be a fast week ahead! i mean.. seriously...!! its already tuesday!!! grr.. it seems like sat was yesterman! =X

Fairytales..

11:59 PM

i left a few more pages to finishing psychomatrics. but why did i decide to blog even tho i dun have anything in particular to blog!? i don't know too. gosh. i tell u.. this week is hetic! yes.. u spell it right.. hetic. it cannot be worst then this man. i can't wait for the holidays. its ONE MTH! how amazing. my school having one mth hols.. so looking forward to it. ohoh.. n i finish studying for counselling!!!!!! thats like the high point of my current life!

well.. i m working tmr too. opening till 630pm. see.. workaholic. *dear chermaine.. u think the store will not survive w/o u izit! work so much!!! go study for a better future please!* guess the day is being wasted off again eh? well.. kinda. i have to start on stats. at least breathe a little on it if not i will definitely not make it this time round. grr.. why must there be examinations?! it only test how much we know. not pur abilities! shit.. thats part of psychomatrics. AHHHH!!!!!! yawns.

can't wait for friday too. i feel fat thats my whole main point. friday will be the time i can run again!! yayness! n n... all the adrenalin.. oh. endorphines too? haha! n yes.. thats another day being wasted off! why!!!!! somehow, i want the Ds but i think at the rate i'm going, if i can get Cs, its a blessing. OH LORD... guide me!!

its a wonderful thing how i can just make friends. hmm.. met this guy today at GWC sushi place. well.. i dun wanna talk abt him no more. unexpected ppl came today to BnJ! well..its pleasent to meet u!! n i'm glad that things are not awakard btw us since u haven been talking to me for the longest time ever. i'm just.. glad. hannah is coming home!!!! which means, got more ppl for trng and and.. more ppl to work!!! HAHA! =D

tell me why..
why do i know that we cannot n will never be tgt,
and i still wait for every possible moment,
that u talk to me,
or call me,
or simply, anything!
and i lied.
i'm sorry.

Fairytales..

8:39 PM

"see this school up on the hill
quiet tall and standing still
kampong bahru's little light
growing glowing shinning bright..."

well.. yah. school song. its been a long time since i sang it. and believe me, i miss it. as silly as it may sound. okay. so this thurs, Os result will be out. "all the best to my little friends!" my sistere just showed me the school's newsletter- SPARKS. well.. what was it called during my time again? eh.. anywayz.. i realise too that all the teachers who taught me are GONE! not all.. but those that did make significant impact on me like mrs phang. sigh. well.. i duno man. so much abt missing school for now. sigh.

back to reality- results for PY2107 is out. yes. bittersweet again. got a PASS!!! then again.. its STATS. so i should be happy that i did not fail stats! but watever man. its like BYE BYE honours n HELLO post grad dip! -.- argh. so now.. i should be panicking cuz its 2nd last sem and i have exams in NINE days time!! N-I-N-E!!!! sheesh. so.. chermaine is doomed! thank you very much!

yesterday had class gathering. well not exactly class.. its more like friends gathering. the once-in-a-blue-blue-blue-moon do we meet friends gathering n we went to eat!!! nt ehn cuz all of them dun listen to me talk.. MUAHAHA!! we went to cathay to eat ice cream!!! why of why m i making myself put on weight! tell me!? n why oh why did i go cathay n help them with sales?! HAHAHA! selfish thinking! =X

so.. chermaine is now BACK to studying!!!! counselling....!!!!

Fairytales..

11:12 PM

omgz.. so tired! i ran like got close to 6km today! gosh.. i ran about 2 km b4 i met up with the "team" at 6pm at GWC! b4 i met the team, i ran to find another route n i did!!! next week, i will bring my team to run there! (think they will kill me lar!) =D hmm.. so we met up n ran like 4km. i think its about there.. total count.. 6km today! i think i'm nuts! -.- anywayz.. so we ran n ran. but not tiring at all. kinda slack. since its the 1st training after so long. i hope nx week will be better! =) photos will come up LATER! ohoh.. good job guys!!!!

hmm.. so.. chermaine is kinda panicking already. u see.. exams are like at the end of the mth. what m i doing now? yupp.. blogging.. but there is alot for u guys to know! =P at least, for those who reads my blog. n n.. tomorrow, i will be going to my uncle's place to "play" with my cousin n hang out with the family. right.. n i m like 3 chapters behind for psychomat! shit! HAHA! i shall start on counselling soon! i feel dead! do u feel dead for me alr!? hur hur!

think i m a workaholic. think i touch on that alr. see.. i'm working on sunday. which i m happy that i m.. i can't wait to head back down to chuch on sunday. but my darling yinkwan is stranded at home. n i hope she will be killed for going church with me n then work. sheesh. i need a standby! -.- anywayz.. thats abt it for today. ntohing much happened!! ohoh.. i finish ONE chapter!!!! happy with myself. HAHA! n yes.. its a long day tmr! teaching again!!! somehow, its a love hate r'ship again! yawns!!!

bye from the ppl who RAN! =D
ttfn! =D

Fairytales..

1:09 PM

i'm having class at 2pm. and i'm still not prepared to go to school. i'm still at home, watching TV and yes, blogging. i'm planning to be late for class thats why. -.- its OB.. come on.! haha!!

you know recently, how stressed up i got due to exam and BnJ and all the other things in between.. yah.. if ur wondering if i'm still stressed up, well the answer is nope. i'm coping well. yes. the word is cope. in psychology, esp in health psych and counseling, cope is the big big huge huge word that is very difficult to express in words. only in action. when there is stress, it might just lead to depression and yes.. counselling n all after which teaches one how to cope! well, me being a psychologiest in practise, i m actually facing problems with coping. never thought that it will be this hard.

and then again, when everything seems to be going down hill once again during the most critical period of time, i turn to my Lord for help. n yes, i do regrete that i did not do that for the past one yr. i'm still guilty. these few days, He is always there for me, leading n helping me to find things out, cope with things. most importantly, helping me out with my life of pure struggling with work n school. i wish somehow, i can not do either. i m kinda tired actually. what m i rushing for again? i need a getaway.

so recently, there has been the times where i just sit n cry n think and all. but it all turn out fine in the end. silly me for doing all those. i'm glad i closed that chapter of my life and open a new chapter to my book. i love opening new chapters.

so now, i will be able to concentrate in studying. ohoh. did i mention that i have only completed ONE chapter where i've plan that i have to complete say 4 already by today? yes. this is how UNMOTIVATED i m! -.- well.. i hope today, tonight, i will find the want to study and finish at least 2 chapters. i'm screwed right?! ha!

ps. did i mention too? i hate exams! yes. =X

Fairytales..

3:30 AM

did i tell u that i haven been to church for the longest time ever?
did i also tell u that God works wonders?
did i ever tell you that i feel that he is not with me most of the time?

well.. He works wonders. and seriously, He is with me all the time. is just that, i have forgotten about Him. and i do feel horrible. the truth is, when i feel down and confused, i pray. and i do realise that i forgot how to pray. and now, i remembered. i call Him. and this is all i have to say.
"Dear Lord, guide me..." He still answer my prayers. what happened today was the wonderful work of my Lord. and i m going back to church.

i'm confused and i'm stressed up. work is piling like piles n piles n PILES of money that some CEO earns. i wish that the amount of work i have is money actually. ha. that aside, i realised now that my perception of the new change has always been wrong. i realised that it was a change worth looking forward to. now, i have more work to do, with all the things i have to set down for the store, the exam that is approaching and the number of things thats on my plate. somehow, i wanna toss it all away. its not me to do that really.

what i really need now is friend's support. you guys out there.. chermaine needs you. its not that i only need you when i need you but.. u get what i mean. i'm tired and i want to sleep. but somehow, things are going through my head and i really cannot sleep. why!! i'm yawning, i'm tired, i just did work, i worked!!

what's wrong with me!? i wanna drive. i wanna run! i wanna be skinny. (right.. that came out the wrong way) in all seriousness, i m just tired, shocked and yes needing a hug badly. all i need now is to talk to God. i'm going to go back on track. yes.. i will.

Fairytales..

12:14 AM

its yet another entry. somehow, i always feel the need to blog. oh well.

this tiring week is coming to an end. in just one more day! its been really a screwed up week as far as i can remember. where i have to attend john tan's lessons. plus plus.. i have to finish up my essays! jasmine being away for only 5 days seems like its been 2 weeks already. i'm getting a little emo here. let me be okay!? just for today..

the work is piling. not only school work.. exams are coming. also, the endless number of problems and things to settle in the store. i feel so.... managerish. i m somehow glad that my co-workers are really helping me out. which is a blessing. thanks guys! well.. chermaine worked 4 days this week. and and another 4 days next week. i really really have to cut down on working where exams are like 2 weeks away!!! -scream- but hey!! there is no one to work! plus.. all the things i have to do. taking orders, plus the oh-so-friendly when to work program and off course, the lack of staff!!!! i really hate that u know! grr.. i will hang in there. i will!!!

things are just not right. i drove the entire day. well, almost. i got up today at 715am to prepare myself to go to work at koven! gosh. thats just the begining of the day where i have to wake up SO early.. n the day b4, i was doing closing at GWC. well done chermaine! after, i drove to koven and was.. yes! LATE! to add on to all these, the students are not being any nice to me. i can't finish the things i wanna do! grr. okay.. i m calm. really. =S

then then.. i get 3 or was it 4 miss calls from mayvina. telling me that my dearest yinkwan did not come to work. gave me a shock of my life! OMG! i was panicking! this can't be it! but yes it happened. mayvina was.. i think, really pissed off?! mayb not think. it is.. she is pissed. well.. i'm glad someone came n help her out in the end. wish i was at home at that time actually, so i can fly down like immediately! yinkwan came at 430 then rachel from RC went to dempsey cuz there is no people to work there. right. was angry initially cuz in GWC, sat is expected to have many ppl, sales hitting 4 digits!! however, later, like just now, i took a drive down to dempsey. n guess what?! THERE IS SO MANY PPL! not the working one but the buying one! =X its really SCARY! n yes.. thank god rachel was there actually. =D said hihi to a few ppl. and then left for home. abt 30 mins drive plus others? yah. was fun.

and now, i'm sitting here typing. also.. thinkin what else i should write for my psychomatrics essay. i need to finish it like TODAY! god!! n i promise.. i will not look back at it again. moreover, i'm waiting. so i guess, i have to be up till................

for now, i'll go crack my brains. bye!

Fairytales..

10:39 PM

once again, i found the need to blog. weird feelings again! gosh. okay.

before i go on, i have to say that i RAN 3.4 km today!! i duno why. when my sister was home, i felt this want n urge to run. hmm. well i did. 3.4km. lets not mention about the time okay?! ha!

someone just added me on MSN. a friend which i somehow want to keep in close contact with. well, she's this netballer from RP who was in the same umpiring course as me. well as u know, i failed my umpiring. this is so embarrasing. i've wanted it so much and for all i know, i fail. sheesh. i just can't make anything good out of netball eh?! so much about being extraordinary.
-.- anyway, she added me and it all just came back to me. the 4 days that i spend with the training umpires. all were good. but know what? i'm not good enuf. shit.. i shall stop this netball umpiring thing here.

well.. as for work, i've been to the store everyday so far. n i see myself going there more often now. shit. and there is a well.. good n bad news. we got a new manager.. which also means that the current one will be gone. haiz. i'm so confused. like seriously!

CONFUSION BE GONE!
exams are coming.
datelines are due!!
i need to get the team started! somehow!
sheesh!!!!
hhhheeeelllllpppppppp!

Fairytales..

12:35 AM

somehow, i feel that it is a must for me to blog today. its this mixture of pure excitement, contentment and everything inbetween. miricles worked on me today as i step into GWC at 12 plus. to find that i was not scared.. nor was i worried of anything that was going to be thrown at me. i was really prepared. silly things starts to happen when i have to go to office to take goods. on top of that, clear the store, make sure things are in order. kinda taking charge of these stuff makes me wonder- why m i doing this? is it really worth my time, effort? well.. i'm just trying it out. i'll take it as... a challenge? yah. and take it easy at the same time round. well well.. things might just turn like a coin.. i duno. i'm taking it slow.

so as i m writing this, i remb this morning when i was so close to msg-ing someone to let him know that i was really worried for him for what i dreamt was not good. once again, it felt so so so real. was so close to crying too. do i, subconsiously care for u? no.. i do.. consiously care for u. i'm just confused. thats about it.

its one week of pure pure waiting. i learnt new things today. feel so powerful somehow but yet.. feel so small. i hate this feeling. really. also.. an endless wait. i will just carry on and move n take when oppotunities come. so.. yupp.. thats abt it.

Fairytales..

4:36 PM

ah yes... backdated photos... start off.. me, manda, yinkwan and sarah!! HAHA! we went to Dempsey on new years eve in the afternoon. Gods plan... =) i love that phrase. makes me always wonder.. i never hang out alot with sarah or yinkwan b4. n suddenly, we are all in one huge family clique! sounds wrong but yes. HA! n we are close friends now.. "lets go dempsey"sarah will always say.. "so throw face lor!!!" manda will say. we always make her do silly little things which she will do in the end! =) n yin kwan.. haha!!! ur silly ur self. =P everything u say is funny! =) glad that all of u are part of my life n working n helping at GWC! =D

guess where we went after dempsey!? to GWC!!! met up with francis n james and joshua n had pizza feast! only that joshua ate TOO MUCH! sarah was hungry still joshua!!!!!! then in the night.. when all was well, i went to meet up with jasmine n teresa to countdown at city hall. gosh!!! the firworks display was so so pretty!!!!!! n yes.. i love countdowns! now.. spot the hidden mickey!

the day went past fast. last time spending time with jasmine. n it was a blast! headed down to dempsey again to drink after the show! gosh.. this is fun man!! HAHA! drink at BnJ n lalala around.. left for home at 3am. n the next day begins.

not so long ago was francis last day of work. i never knew that it will make such a huge impact on me. seriously. i was scared n excited at the same time. to only know that i cried at the very end of the day. not because i miss him but cuz of the reality that hit me so hard. the fact that there is a change in mgr, tho the stall is gonna be the same. there is a certain level of stress.. certain level of anxiety and a certain level of unexplainable excitment lingering in me. the feeling was amazingly unexplainable but at the end of the day, the weakling me broke down into tears, hoping still for the best. i tried. and so.. here is a card for francis. for always being there for us! good luck to u francis!!!!

bye now!!!! back to ethics!

Fairytales..

1:20 AM

reality hit me HARD!

i'm konfuzzled!!!

i want things to go back to the way it was. i love it that way!!!

i'm just gonna cry.. like NOW!

Fairytales..

11:59 PM

so u know... many many ppl will set resolutions for the new year. me too!!!! so here's my resolutions. its simple. but yet.. complicated. lets see.. in 2007, chermaine was an over achiever. why? many many things just happened at one time! which is not good at all!!! the recent ones, the last quarter of the year have been horrible for me. been rushing thru projects, bitching around, doing umpiring test and driving test, working n teaching, n trying to find how wanxin will put it- the true love's kiss. haha! but thats really besides the point from 2007.

as i enter into 2008, looking back, i realise how much i have grown. okay. start laughing at me.. okay.. now stop laughing at me. well.. i made good friends. lose some but i dun mind. these friends stand by me most of the time even tho some friends that i lost are lost, they did stand by me at least once. may all grudges be gone!!!! for i start a new year with new hopes n wishes.

in 2007, i did not make any resolution. didn't think of its importance till now. its the same as me.. only this year realise the importance of a countdown. tho its really fun but hey.. do u know that silly things do happen during the new year too?! yes... counting down with friends makes me happy. looking at the brilliant display of fireworks makes me smile like a kid looking at ice cream! drinking to begin the new year is a good way to start and celebrate. to be happy and all. i love countdowns.

then again, i m gonna be one yr older. hitting 20 already. right.. HAHA! well.. its not unusual that i will be 20 right?! reality hit me hard on new years day that i will be telling people that i m 20. wats the big deal u may ask. point is.. i duno too. it seems really scary. anywayz.. heres my 2008 resolutions.

- to spend more time with my family. oh yes.. i haven have the TIME to spend with my family. which is utter utter rubbish!!! i realise that WE (including u) have been so worked up with work and all that somehow, family come 2nd to everything else.
- to get distinctions in my remaining modules. right. in all seriousness, i need the distinctions. amongs all my friends, chermaine is the WORST! getting NO DISTINCTIONS at all!!! really and seriously... this is SECOND placing for resolution making!!! i need distinctions!
- to be the best teacher. right. this is sounding ambigious. seriously, i think i can be a better teacher to those kids. HA! with more patience, growing in that job. mayb.. hmm.. it will be my career instead of psychologist! HAHA!
- run difRays well. hmm.. difRays came a long way. thank you to all u girls who stand by me all the time! i still think i suck as a captain but HA! thank you thank you! i will try to bring the team forward and be the captain that stand by u and bring out the best in you. =D
- yes yes.. EXERCISING! oh rights! i need to get those fats out of my body! less fats= healthier living. HAHA!

well.. thats all for now! photos, some other time lar. 'm too lazy! =D back to summarizing my OB paper! -.-

Fairytales..